Low Man

It is incredibly interesting, wonderful, crazy, and lovely all at the same time when you hear a song for the first time and know that it is essentially narrating exactly where you are at with your life.  Today, I went on a long walk for the first time in a long time.  The first song that flipped on my iPod - Low Man by Alberta Cross - wow.  I just looked up into the sun, let it beat down on my neck, stretching toward it - with my heart, my palms, my chest - I knew that the song was narrating exactly where my heart was at that exact moment.

There is this really sad, real, sexual part about being alone.  About really being alone.  This intensity doesn't enter my hemisphere as often as it used to, but when it does, it is so real and lovely.  I let myself enjoy the sad music and write the words that are on my mind and in my heart - ready to explode somewhere - anywhere.  I used to let the words blow out in my black book - with some color and some cut outs, now it's to my blog I go.

Back to the narrative song.  It reminds me of Elizabethtown.  Elizabethtown shook me.  It is a fucking romantic comedy, but I happened to watch it when I was enamored with my high school heart wrenching, crushing love - when things were actually happening with him.  Not just kid things.  It was one night - but we listened to the Elizabethtown soundtrack the entire time.  Now whenever I hear a song from the album my first love comes back to me - my heart is full of him once again - like it was when I was 16 years old.

This is why music is loved by all.  It gets us in our deepest areas.  Our hearts, our cores, our necks reaching for the sun and it reminds us of humanity - of pain and loneliness.  Today, when I heard the first chord of "Low Man" I felt this strong, intense pleasuring pain in my heart and neck.  It was very physical.  Feelings worth feeling usually appear not only in an emotional form, but physical form.  It is fantastic music when it makes your mind and body dance at the same time.

Low man.  However, I am a low woman.

Mid-Twenties: Social Expectations & Reality

Lately I have been struggling with what is expected of me as a young woman in her mid-twenties.  I have quite a few friends who are getting married, getting pregnant, and just growing up in general.  I am struggling with this because I am not doing any of these things, except for growing up a little, which to me is slightly depressing.  Even though I am 24 I don't feel any older than I did when I was in college.  I still struggle with similar issues and still aspire to become more than I am now.  I still feel as lost as I did when I was just 18.  I don't know if this is normal for someone my age, but it is what it is.

I am deathly afraid that I won't ever shift into a state of adulthood, true adulthood.  I think some people go on living as youthful post graduates forever.  Living ridiculous lives without real control and habit for years after they have graduated from University.  I am definitely a part of this ridiculous group at this point in my life, making excuses for not reaching the next level of being an adult.  I am full of excuses and pray that one day I will run out of excuses and be forced to change my life completely.  I honestly strive for something dramatic to happen in order to shake me into the next life stage, when in reality the change will only come when I decide to make the next step.

I am jealous and sad a lot of the time.  And for what reason?  I think it's because I feel left behind, even though I don't really even see myself married in a long time from now, or even married at all.  I am jealous because I think it would be easier to be straight and married and taking the traditional path in life.  I am jealous because my friends are making their parents happy by including them in these next steps and I feel like I can't deliver, like I am letting my parents down.  I am jealous because I feel lonely from time to time and don't think I would feel this way if I had found my life partner and we were always making plans together.

I feel like I have no control over this part of my life.  You can't snap your fingers and be playing board games with other young married couples and be married yourself for that matter.  You can't snap your fingers and ensure your mom that you really are okay even if you're not.  I know the white picket fence with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever isn't what it is made out to be, but sometimes I can't help but wonder. 

The facebook

We are living in a new era.  It's unbelievable how a lot of people spend most of their lives staring at a computer screen.  I myself am one of those people - working five days week and spending up to seven hours a day staring at the screen.  In this progressive world everything is happening so much more quickly, so much for accurately.  Everyone is connected through technology whereas less than twenty years ago we weren't connected at all, at least not internationally.  

I mean it's crazy to think that facebook has become such a huge part of a lot of people's existence.  It's become a step in every relationship.  Everyone knows that the first step to showing interest in an individual is to add them as a "friend" on facebook.  Next step is writing on their "wall", etc.  And then, and only then, does a date come along.  Honestly, I tried to ween myself off of facebook, but I just cannot do it.  It is integral to my social life.  It excites the voyeur in me.  You can't even believe what people put out there about themselves.  People are more willing to publish their deepest thoughts on facebook as opposed to picking up the phone and talking to someone about them.  For some reason it feels safer and not as real.  I have never posted anything really crazy about myself on the site, but I have posted my nontraditional sexual orientation to facebook, and honestly that's like coming out to the whole world - all at once.  I think about some of my high school acquaintances hopping on facebook and taking a quick glance at my profile and seeing this tidbit of information about my personal life.  I just wonder what they think.  There are pros and cons of posting something like this on a site like facebook.  A pro is that it feels liberating to literally tell the world who you really are.  But, on the other hand, it's not very sensitive to come out this way, especially to some of my peripheral family members and friends who would have liked me to sit down with them to tell them.

I have been a member of facebook since it's earliest days when it was called "The facebook".  Am I slightly proud of this?  Yeah.  A little cocky actually.  Honestly, I was one of the first people in my sorority that joined the book in 2004.  I helped others get on it... yeah, I'm cocky about it.  You know who should really be cocky is Mark Zuckerburg, the founder of facebook.  Now that guy is set - completely set.  I want to make an impact like this.  It doesn't have to be quite as big, but I definitely want to make a difference, and leave my footprint on this world.  Be remembered for something.  Facebook has changed the world.